Sunday, January 27, 2008

Experimenting with My Computer


Please bear with me as I try to figure out how to put pictures on my blog. Last weekend when I travelled to Seattle with my husband and Matt (see January 21,2008) our pilot flew directly over Mt. Ranier. It was an amazing site to behold. So I was trying to learn how to put those pictures in and only then found out I couldn't delete the whole entry. Now here's my entry and the pictures.



Monday, January 21, 2008

Parent Heart Watch meeting with Matt

I started writing this on the way home from Matt’s trip to Seattle. He was asked to speak before the Parent Heart Watch annual meeting and it was truly an amazing weekend. Matt has been speaking to various groups regarding his cardiac arrest. The parents (and I emphasize that) from Parent Heart Watch wanted to hear Matt because he is a survivor of sudden cardiac arrest. This is unusual, to be frank. Very few survive to speak of their ordeal. And survivors are an attestation to the fact that when we are prepared to deliver CPR and use an AED, lives can be saved. Lives of children. The membership of PHW is comprised of parents who have lost a child to sudden cardiac arrest. Matt, Paul and I were humbled by their tenacity to see something done for the children of this country (actually, the world, as there were many international members in attendance). They have channeled their grief and anger into action and they’re getting something done!

PHW focuses on CPR awareness and training and on getting AEDs placed in schools and public places. There are many sad stories and I don’t need to tell you of the devastation which follows the loss of a child. It’s something you don’t ever get over. You wait…and wait until you die…and you hope that you are going to see your child again. There were those at the meeting who had been members since the organization’s inception. They are seasoned lobbyists for the effort. The loss is further behind them (but never forgotten) so they also form an amazing support group for those whose loss is more acute.

I can tell you that all three of us felt the pang of survivor’s guilt. And we also were reminded of the difference that a moment, a minute, a split second decision, a day…can make. The what ifs went through our minds over and over again. It was a beautiful day and a heartrending day at the same time. We just wanted to hug our baby boy, but we had to share him with others who wanted to hug him too. Did they wonder why our son got to live and theirs didn’t? Some of the children were boys who reminded me of Matt. Big boys, football players. They’re gone. It broke my heart.

People die every day. Death is sad. It’s part of living. Sudden cardiac arrest is a special kind of death. Many die while participating in sports activities. It’s hard to reconcile. It’s fast. There’s no chance to deal with it. It happens while you’re doing something happy. It’s akin to drowning in your wonderful swimming pool. To dying in a wreck in that first car that made them so happy. Is happiness balanced by despair in the total scheme of things? I thought about it a lot this weekend. So why do we put ourselves in that situation? For the cause. Really. Because in some circumstances, these deaths can be prevented and that is all good. And if Matt can promote the cause, he wants to do it. And if he can give a hug and it can help, he wants to help.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Finally, A Cure for Plantar Fascitis

There has recently been a major breakthrough in the area of treatment for plantar fasciitis and I don't know why I didn't figure it out sooner. When my symptom began to present itself a month ago; that little annoying stretchy feeling on the bottom of my foot, I did what any fat, fertile, female over the age of forty does...she blames her weight (see archived article from January 6). And even though, as I said before, I am no longer overweight, I knew I was paying for having been so. Frankly, I think I'm like an alcholic; once overweight, always overweight, if not in body, then certainly in mind. People tell me I look thin but when I look in the mirror I see fat. But I digress.

So I simply blamed the four F's and moved on with traditional medical approaches to treating my condition, sans medications. I stretch, stretch and then stretch some more. It was actually working a little, but remember, I do not expect this treatment to work quickly. It's a slow process. Each morning I was noting slight improvements in my level of discomfort.

But this morning I was almost pain free and I halfway expected to be, because I did something yesterday which I have not done in about 2 months and in retrospect it coincided with the onset of my symptoms. I rode horses! Heels down! I rode horses. About 6-8 weeks ago my horse sustained a serious injury to his hoof. Basically he ripped half of his hoof off. I will be unable to ride him for 6-9 MONTHS! This was on the heels of another accident with another horse, in which she fell and broke her pelvis. So she was on stall rest for 3 months and is only now starting to recover. I have been horseless for 6-8 weeks. Now, I've been horseless before, but never quite this long and usually I find a friend's horse on which to tool around. But this time I got a little fed up with the situation, could I say "depressed?" I don't know about that, but just didn't want to ride. Stayed away from the barn. Except for the obligatory weekly check up I prepared myself for the worst (foundering and death of the horse) and essentially separated myself from the situation. I know you horse riders out there will think I'm not right, but as with all horse stories...there's more to it. Suffice it to say I haven't been riding at all.

But I'm over it now. Just like that and with a little help from my best-buddy-web-site-designer- horseback-riding-buddy-horse-boarder, Christi Bacot, I'm over it and went out to her place to ride some of her fine horses. It was then that I remembered...heels down. I spent two hours with my heels down. This was something I did at least two hours, four times a week for the past decade. I passively stretched out my plantar fascia 8 hours a week. Probably exactly two weeks to the day after stopping I began to suffer from plantar fasciitis. And about 12 hours after starting up again Iwoke up almost pain free! Not cured, but on the way.

It's amazing how we women tend to blame so many things on our weight. I have patients with hand pain who blame it on their weight. Now, don't get me wrong; we can blame a lot of bad things on our weight, but a lot of these repetetive strain conditions are due to just that; repetetive strain and lack of flexibility. If you begin to develop a painful symptom, start trying to remember what you may have done recently to affect that part of your body. Or as in my case, start thinking about what you haven't been doing. What has changed? Then start trying to modify those activities.

The question I have now is; will insurance companies pay for a horse? There's logic behind doing it: a horse and one year of board will cost about as much as office visits, night splints, physical therapy, anti-inflammatories, cortisone injections and surgery. And it's the treatment that keeps on giving. What could be better?

Friday, January 11, 2008

Fear of Needles

Today I had several patients tell me they were afraid of needles. I face this regularly and because needles are a big part of what I do, I thought I might share a recent experience in hopes that it might help others.

I too have a fear of needles and someone once told me the fear of needles is genetic and that makes me feel better because I would hate to be called a wimp or something worse. Neither of my children have inherited that trait. They have their father’s stoic lack of concern when it comes to the sticky things. Let me tell you, to have children who have no fear of needles is a wonderful thing. If it is genetic then I wasted my efforts as a young mother to harden my children to them.

I had frank conversations with them at an early age. I advised them of the impending shot and its potential to hurt. I never compared the stick to a bee sting or an ant bite unless I accompanied this comparison with the description of a bee which was the size of a football or an ant which was the size of a loaf of bread. “Matt honey, don’t worry, it will just be like a bee sting…a bee this big.” Honesty is always the best policy.

I also never threatened them with a shot. It’s amazing how many times I still hear this from parents. “If you don’t do this like the doctor says, she will give you a shot.” Never threaten a kid with a shot. It’s not helpful and it brings out the fear-of-needle gene.

And I never let them see me squirm. If you have a fear of needles, never let them know or see it. And try not to do what I did once I realized they didn’t have a fear of needles. I would grab them and tell them to look the other way, just like I was doing… They would be like, “Mom, let go of my arm. You’re hurting me.”

So I am a terrible shot taker. I’m bad. Really bad. I carry on. I get angry if they can’t find the vein. I squirm. I shake my legs. I squeeze my eyeballs until they hurt and make little squiggly dots of light on the backside of my eyelids. I change orders for lab work on my charts in the hospital if I don’t want to get stuck. I don’t get flu shots.

I tried to desensitize myself by donating blood. I thought if I just did that enough times, I could fix the problem. That didn’t work and it hurt like hell. I quit donating when they stopped using a local anesthetic…

But the worst shot taker is the best shot giver and the upside to this fear of needles is that I’m sensitive to my patient’s fears and I try to make the shots I put in people’s joints as good an experience as possible. Hmmm.

But there are still patients who have to be talked through these injections. And at least twice a month I have to counsel a patient considering surgery, not for the surgery itself, but for the IV needle they know they will have to endure. And until recently all I could do was commiserate.

Over the past three months I have had to have several needle sticks for various tests and surgeries. I knew I was going to have to have these “shots” and there was no way around it. I didn’t care about the surgeries, just the lab work and the IV’s. Nothing I had ever done before had worked. The eyeball squeezing thing was getting old. The carrying on was getting old. Hell, I’m getting old and there’s nothing cute about an old lady carrying on about a needle. I made up my mind that I was going to act like a person who was not afraid of needles. I knew I was going to be afraid of having the shots, but I wasn’t going to act like that person. I didn’t tell my husband how scared I was about the shots like I usually do. I didn’t tell the nurse that I was terrible about needles like I usually do. When she asked me if I had a preferred arm I nonchalantly said “no.” She reached for the arm on the side where she had all her equipment already. I stuck out my arm without hesitation. I usually make them wait until I’ve squeezed my fist 75 times, but I didn’t do that. I usually slap my forearm and point out the vein. I allowed her to find it. I squeezed my fist a couple of times and stopped. She wiped my arm with the alcohol. At this point I usually start my eyeball squeezing antics. This is usually accompanied by leg shaking. I lay perfectly still and looked at the ceiling. There was a small stick and I felt her release the tourniquet. She didn’t say any words of congratulations like usual because she thought I didn’t care about having IV’s. Got to admit, I missed that a little. I always like a “good girl” or a “you did great.”

I decided to try it again. The next day I had to have some blood work and another test requiring an IV. I made up my mind I was again going to act like the person who is not afraid of needles (PNAN). The lab tech asked me if I had a favorite arm and I said “no” and stuck out the arm on the side where most of her gear was conveniently placed. It was the same arm they had used the day before. So what. I’m a PNAN. And later that day when I had to have a third needle? What does the person who is afraid of needles do when it becomes obvious that the best side to start the IV on is the same side she’s already had stuck twice in two days do? She carries on and refuses to allow them to use that arm, causing the nurses to have to get extra long IV tubing to go all the way around the machinery and she pouts until she gets her way and then the nurse gets nervous about having to start her IV because she’s a doctor and may be a difficult stick and so she better go find someone who might do it more often, but she’s really the best one to do it. But wait. I’m the PNAN, not the PAN. So what do I do? I stick out the arm with the two bloody holes and a bruise and keep my pie hole shut. The nurse puts on the tourniquet, wipes my arm with alcohol and in goes the IV. Does anyone have a lollipop?

So here’s the deal. We’re PANs, but we’re going to act like PNANs. And in life sometimes we have to act like something we’re not. And it works.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Getting Plantar Fasciitis

I have officially become a statistic. It’s not that I haven’t already become one, but this one is pretty hard to take. Several weeks ago I wrote about plantar fasciitis (heel pain) in my blog. I had arisen one morning with the tiniest tingle in my heel and of course I immediately thought: the scourge of plantar fasciitis. So I wrote about it. I started stretching a little more every morning but within a week, I had become one of the Four F’s who statistically are much more likely to suffer from plantar fasciitis than any one else. The Four F’s are also the same unfortunate group who, as medical students and resident’s we referred to with derision when we discussed those most likely to suffer from gall bladder disease. Who are the Four F’s. No it’s not a rock group comprised of stupid people. It’s a Fat Fertile Female over Forty. And what is it about the F word that makes it so easy for some to say with an ugly scowl on your face and thereby say it with disdain. And this group of individuals who, in my experience are some of the most lovely people I treat, are some of the most mistreated. But we’ll talk about that another day. For today, we’re talking about ME, ME, ME and my stupid foot and what I’m going to do about it. Then you can try it too, because there are bunches of you out there suffering from this disorder and frankly it’s just not right.

So sure, if you’re suffering from overweight (and we’re now saying it like that so doctors and insurance companies will know this is a disorder and not just some bad habit, like biting your nails) then it could make sense that there would be increased pressure on the bottom of your foot and that could cause plantar fasciitis in and of itself. But why female? There must be some hormonal component and we know this is likely to be true and it’s so in other conditions involving soft tissues, like ACL tears. But there are plenty of men out there suffering from overweight who really should be getting plantar fasciitis, but they’re not. And why over forty? Okay, so you’ve been stomping around on your feet longer than a twenty year old. That should seem obvious. So what. There are a lot of twenty year olds who weight twice what I’ve weighed in my 53 years. Why don’t they have it? And then, why fertile? What does having babies have to do with anything like this? Or gall bladder disease for that matter? Suffice it to say, it’s just a fact. There are plenty of explanations out there for why we old overweight obese omni-nurturers (I like that onomatopoeia better) are suffering.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to try to get rid of this problem without taking a single pill. Can’t promise I can do it, but I’ve done it before with two other repetitive strain disorders and have won. No pills, no injections, no surgery! Okay, now there’s one caveat, and that is, you can’t treat a femur fracture or cancer this way. We’re just talking about plantar fasciitis today.
I’m going to stretch, stretch and stretch some more. Before I get out of bed in the morning I’m going to stretch my ankle, foot and toes back, like as if you were going to stretch your Achilles tendon, but more so. Then I’m going to massage the arch of my foot and my heel. I’m going to do this every time before I get out of bed…EVERY TIME, without fail. Well, if the house is on fire or someone is breaking in through my window, guess I’ll jump out of bed and suffer for a bit.

I’m not going to go barefoot, unless I’m in bed or in the shower. I’m going to have a variety of shoes and slippers sitting around so I can always have the bottom of my feet supported and padded.

If I’ve been sitting for a while, I’m going to stretch before standing up and while I’m sitting, I’m going to put my foot further under my chair and stretch my Achilles tendon and the bottom of my foot passively so when I stand up, the plantar fascia is already stretched out.
These things are eventually going to become habit and even though I’m currently only having symptoms on my left foot, I know I’m susceptible to having it on the right, so I’ll do the same on that side. And even when I no longer have symptoms (which could take 6-12 months…no lie…and I’ll expect that and not be surprised when my pain is not gone in 3 days) I’ll still continue to stretch.

In about a week or two, if my symptoms aren’t gradually improving I’ll start using a night splint. That is a well padded splint you can wear at night to keep the plantar fascia stretched out. At night we sleep with our feet pointed down so the plantar fascia gets tight and even though we now know that this disorder has something to do with the Four F’s, once we’ve got it, the nightly contracture of the plantar fascia keeps reinjuring it, like Prometheus and the eagle.

And last but certainly not least; I’m going to drink more water, eat more fruits and veggies, try to eat as much organic whole foods as I can and keep losing more weight. BTW, I’m only 3 of the four F’s now. Which is the one we have control over? Yeah, you got it. My BMI is now 24 and I am officially “healthy.” But I have to pay for past transgressions. Keep following my blog so you can get more updates on how I’m doing.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Sing Our National Anthem the Right Way

Let's just take a moment to talk about our National Anthem. Who gave anyone the right to sing that song in some way other than the way it was written? I'm getting sick of the way various artists mangle that beautiful song. It is so perfect the way it was originally composed.

So I'm writing about this tonight even though it's been going on for a long time. That's because I think I just heard the worst rendition of our National Anthem I have ever heard. Franki Valle sang it at the Fiesta Bowl and it made me want to puke. We're supposed to sing along, but it was impossible to do so with all of his antics and attempts at falsetto manipulations of the notes. I hardly recognized it and from the look of the people sitting behind them, they didn't either. Most looked as if they were choking on grizzled meat. No one was singing along.

Isn't there a bowl committee assigned with the duty of selecting the singers and don't they go through some kind of audition process? And when these comitte members hear the artists who seem to be singing the Togo national anthem rather than our own, don't they say, "sorry, try again next year?"

Or maybe these artists pretend to sing it the standard way for the audition and then secretly spring their own version on the public during the actual event. There should be a fine for this sort of effrontery.

In any case, I'm sick of it. Is there anyone out there who likes it? Any of the four of you who are regularly reading my blog...please speak out. When I get a bigger following I'll take polls with a button you can click. For now, I can just tally your votes. Please let me know what you think about this complete deviation from the traditional composition of our National Anthem.

Thanks and good night.

January 1, 2008

Happy New Years to all of you: friends and family! And what would the New Year be without...resolutions. So I'm going to get straight to the point with the number one New Year's resolution of all time...

1. Lose weight. And I know many of you are putting that way high up there on your list. It's a perenial favorite of mine. And if you're not, you probably should. I'm sure we could all stand to lose 5 or 10 pounds and thanks to my last year's resolutions, I can now say that is the case for me. I can now stand to lose 5 or 10 pounds.

For those of you out there who are still struggling with weight loss and even struggling with how to drum up some enthusiasm for losing weight...something different than last year since that didn't work too well, I can only tell you what I did. I read "Never Be Fat Again," by Raymond Francis. The title sounds gimicky but I can assure you this book is serious. We've all heard the nutritional reasons for losing weight ad nauseum. There's nothing new in that department. Stop eating sugar, processed flour, and bad fats. Eat more fruits and veggies. But this book also delves into the physiological, the environmental and political reasons for losing weight. It makes you want to learn more and from there I went to "The China Study" and "The Omnivore's Dilemma," among others. But "Never Be Fat Again" is the place to start. So get started.

2. Clean out closets (drawers, attic, cabinets too). I really went at it this year and got rid of a whole lot of things. When I lost weight I thought I would wear all those old clothes I had hung on to but found most were out of style. I should have given those away a long time ago. Let someone else enjoy them. Same goes for old books, dishes, toys, furniture. Don't worry, your kids aren't going to want that old stuff you've been saving. I even took all my old vinyl albums (yes, even the Beatles and Led Zeppelin) to Waterloo records and sold them for $239.00! And I felt great afterwards. It's a wonderful feeling to have empty drawers and closets. Now for another round of filling them up!

3. Learn a new language or brush up on one I already know. I learned Italian from the "Pimsleur" CDs and they're excellent. Brush up on that Spanish. You learned it in school. If you put these CDs in your car stereo every day and listen during the commute to work, by this time next year you'll be speaking it again.

4. Stretch more.

5. Try to integrate more low impact exercise into my program.

6. Avoid squats (Have you heard this from me before?)

7. Listen better.

8. Change out at least one toilet to a "comfort height" model. You'll thank me for this resolution.

9. Learn or do something new. Pick out a period in time to study. Start with an interesting video or historical fiction and let it guide you into new learning. Teach yourself a card game. Learn to cook a vegan dish...every day for a week. Become an expert in something...anything.

10. Write more. Get your name in the Library of Congress.

Have a wonderful 2008.

December 24, 2007

Today doesn't feel very much like Christmas Eve. It's the first time in my motherhood that both of my children aren't here for Christmas and it has made me lose track of the time. But this entry isn't about that in particular, other than it was a parenting thing I was just thinking of and I wanted to make sure you had a chance to try this wonderful little trick yourselves. If you miss this tonight, try it next year, unless of course you have older children, in which case you are welcome to try it but you'll look and feel very stupid.

I don't remember who told me to try this, but if you're listening, I give you credit always. This was not my idea.

Getting kids to go to bed on Christmas Eve is always a challenge. No amount of cajolling is effective. Getting in a Christmas Eve pissing contest with your kids over going to bed will leave you with a bad memory forever and giving them Benadryl is out of the question, although tempting. So what does a good mother do?

Get to work. You will need the following items: dark clothing for one; red cellophane taped over the end of a flashlight (it sometimes takes a couple of thicknesses to make the light shine red); a red lazer light would work too, but we didn't have those when we did this; some jingle bells.

First, set the stage for Santa's imminent arrival. "Santa might get here any moment and you need to go to bed or he won't leave any presents." You know, you've done it before. It just usually doesn't work and that's why you're always up at 3:00AM putting plastic parts together or getting bicyles from neighbor's garages.

Next, one of you gets dressed in the black outfit. Here in Texas, dark jeans and a t-shirt will work. I'm sorry, but you folks in Minnesota, though I envy you your snow, will have to get into something heavy and cumbersome. The other parent will start saying you think you hear something...could it be Santa...etc., etc. Look, just go all out, get them in a frenzy. The objective is to get them to a window where they can look out to a dark yard, patio, whatever. Just get them there. You can do it. You'll be a state of excitement yourself! Trust me.

The one with the black outfit, grab that light and those jingle bells and get yourself out in that yard. Timing is everything. Then bound across it. Remember, reindeer bound. They don't hop like little nasty rodents. Now you can walk, but let me tell you from personal experience that walking and trying to make the light bounce up and down while jingling your bells is akin to patting your head and rubbing your belly. The first time you do it, you'll feel like an idiot because out in the dark you can see perfectly well, so you'll think your kids are looking out the window saying "why is mommy hopping across the yard with a red flashlight and some jingle bells?" But I promise they cannot see you. With the house lights on inside and the distortion through the window, what they see is a red light (Rudolph's nose) bounding across the backyard. And what do they do? They haul ass to their bedrooms and go directly to bed. That's what.

And what do you do? Wrap presents. Watch TV. Eat more food. Whatever. You start to look forward to this each year. While you're making the rounds at Christmas Eve parties your spouse is pestering you. "You didn't forget the red cellophane, did you?" Don't worry if you start feeling guilty. Not just because it's a shameless, slam-dunk way to successfully get your kids to bed before Santa comes, but because you start wanting to do it the minute the sun goes down. Because you wish there was something like this for every day of the week. It's like the Christmas Eve version of children's Ambien. You'll have the presents under the tree by 9:00PM and be in bed by 9:30, with visions of sugar plums dancing in your head.

Now, just a few additional hints for success.

1. Don't leave your yard lights on. Wrecks everything. You will feel stupid. Your neighbors will see you and even your spouse will be disillusioned by seeing something about you they've never seen before and it will not look pretty.

2. Do not trespass. You will be arrested and it's so hard to explain away.

3. Clear your footpath. Nothing ruins a nice Christmas more than a broken femur.

4. Cue older children because they will be inclined to spoil the fun. "That's mommy, with a flashlight and jingle bells." Threaten them with bodily harm if needed. You want this to last, at least until they go off to college. Longer if possible.

And by the way, you and your kids will be treated to a wonderful Christmas tradition that will leave your cheeks cramping from laughing so hard, and you will miss on that first Christmas when your last child tells you they know the truth...about Rudolph.

Have fun and have a wonderful Christmas.

December 22, 2007

Sometimes things we have done in the past; advantages we have taken, exploitations, abuses, these things come back to haunt us. And today was a day when I paid for past misuses of relationships.

When I was young and fertile, I never once purchased my own feminine hygiene products. As a teenager, I prevailed upon my own mother to do this chore. I know her mother probably did not do that for her and when she was a youth, I'm sure she made a promise to herself; that she would never make her own daughter have to suffer the humiliation of purchasing her own pads. And she kept that promise. Not once as a teen did I have to walk a big square box of Kotexes to the counter of the grocery store or pharmacy.

And then when I was in high school and college I was honored to have scored a boyfriend who was as courageous as he was cute. No, not courageous on the football field or the debate team, but courageous in the Safeways of Houston and the Furr's grocery stores of Lubbock. Not once did I have to hide by the feminine hygiene shelves of these stores, waiting until there were no customers in line at the register so I could make my dash to the only female attendant before other customers lined up and I would have to stand there holding the 100 pack of pads that would let everyone in the store know that...I was a fertile female on the rag! I have only fond memories of that boy.

And then as I matured, finished college, entered medical school, I was blessed again, this time with a husband who would yield to my now solid fear of even walking down the feminie hygiene isle, where I would have to seek out the plus tampons and the double strength, extra long pads with wings. By this time there were so many different feminine hygiene products an entire wing of the store was devoted to them and to even head in that direction was to let everyone in the entire superstore know there was a "fertile woman on the rag entering isle 8...fertile woman on the rag entering isle 8!" No, I never had to suffer that humiliation. Girls if you can find a husband who will purchase your pads and put the toilet seat down...score.

Once finishing medical school, my husband and I were soon able to afford the luxury of hiring someone who would occasionally do the grocery shopping for us and the baton...or should I say, the tampon was passed. Besides, she could easily hide the pads among the paper towels, toilet paper and kitty litter.

Now, alas, I no longer have to concern myself with such mundane things. And yet, there is a place in the universe where the inequalities or perhaps deficiencies are counted up and storedcl through which payback escapes and comes down upon those who have benefited and makes them pay, opens up. And today that place came open and it happened to be my day to pay for never having purchased my own full length, double strength, ultra absorbant, night time, two foot long, maxi pads with wings.

Someone in my office gave me a really clever gift...a pair of slippers, made out of maxi pads. They were pretty cute. So cute, I suggested to my daughter that she make a pair to give to her cousin as a gag gift. So my daughter went to the grocery store and bought her own bag of maxi pads. Talk about being proud. Besides the fact that the slippers were cleverly assembled and decorated, she had purchased her own pads! She had not asked me to go get them. What's next? She'll get her own job, with benefits and health insurance. Just kidding...I never bought her pads for her. I don't know who did. Maybe my husband. I'm sure she had to get them herself at some point. This purchase was nothing new.

The slippers were so cute, I suggested she make some little ones for the...nephews. Yes, wouldn't that be cute. Little slippers for the...nephews. Made out of little panty liners. How cute would that be?

Look, don't worry about the nephews. They're too young to know about feminine hygiene and the rest of my family is used to this kind of antic from me and the ones who sprang from me. And my hubby just goes along with it.

So now my daughter lays the "hey, mom, I'll make the slippers, but why don't you, just this once, go get the pads. After all, I've already made one trip." The pay back crack in the universe begins to open. I agree to go get them. Why should I care? I'm a matron. Who cares? I don't use them. No problem. Of course, I'll go get them. And I did acutally feel a twinge of guilt over never having purchased pads for my daughter, as my own mother had done for me. But that twinge didn't last long.

I'm off to the pharmacy. I head down the Kotex isle. I search unabashedly through the myriad products, looking for the smallest, cheapest bag of little panty liners with which to make the tiny slippers. I never wore a teeny tiny panty liner in my life. There are these girls out there who wear a size 0 or size 1. Maybe they do. In a just world those girls would have the periods from hell, requiring one of these maxi pads that would end up going from their navel to their scapula. But that's not the point here anyway. I digress. No, I don't. Bags of maxi pads with wings are the size of an 80 pound bag of Alpo. These itty bitty panty liner bags are the size of a little package of potpourri, easily hidden under the arm until such time as the cashier is free and then slipped into a small paper/plastic bag. The maxis requiring a dolly and an assistant to help carry them to your car. I continue to digress.

I head to the cashier, not even hesitating. Who cares? Not me. The crack opens more and payback begins to flow. One of my son's junior high buddies is behind the counter. He's all grown up and is no longer the awkward youth I remember. He's rather cute and charming. "Hi, Mrs. Nader." (That's how some of my son's friends know me, by my husband's last name.) I toss the two tiny bags on the counter and I'm not sure but I think he looks at them and at me like, right, are you sure you weren't looking for the Alpo bags, Mrs. Nader? I felt heat and redness creeping up my neck, then on to my ears, and finally coming to rest on my wrinkled cheeks.

And what does the 53 year-old-orthopedic surgeon-mom-author say? "Hey, I don't even use these. I'm making slippers out of them."

And he says, "Right, okay...that'll be $7.49."

December 21, 2007

I can't believe I haven't written in my blog for 6 days. So much for habits. I'm also biting my nails. So much for trying to break habits. To be honest with you, most of the blogs I read are not kept up with on a daily basis so I don't feel too bad. But the thing is, if you get regular readers, I think they stay with you better if you write frequently so I'm going to keep trying to enter regularly. And that's all I can promise...is that I'll try.

Coming up with material is a problem. I'm not doing Heimlich maneuvers on pets every day and there's not always something interesting happening. And if there's something really interesting to write about, I start considering it for an essay rather than a blog entry so I end up saving it. That's selfish isn't it?

Today I want to talk about boilers. Yes, boilers. Not the boiler some men sport over their belts. Not a large pimple or a small abscess. I'm talking about the old boilers people used to have in their houses...like a heater. I mentioned a boiler in Endings. There was a story about a house that had an old scary boiler in the basement. About a week ago I spoke to a group of older women at a local country club. They were a delightful group and I had a lot of fun there. I have three readings I like to do at book signings and one of them includes the boiler story. One of the interesting things about readings and giving prepared talks is listening for the phrases which make people laugh. Every group is different and this group giggled when I mentioned the boiler, where other groups didn't. It wasn't a particularly funny entry. It just struck a chord with this group. They knew about scary basement boilers because they grew up with them. And once in my childhood we lived in a house that had a boiler. Believe me, it was scary. It was dark, and old. It was hidden in the back of our basement. It made noise. It was alive and because of it I would not go down in the basement without turning on every single light on the way down there. The previous owners must have felt the same way because it was walled off in its own little room so you didn't have to see it unless you had to do something to it. But it was there. Waiting. In the dark.

So what's my point? The point is that I'm probably the last generation to experience "the boiler." My children have never seen a boiler and would only know a boiler from a Stephen King movie. But they probably wouldn't write about a boiler because to them that wouldln't have come to mind as an item in an old house. Maybe a land line telephone would be something typifying an old house to them. But not a boiler.

So still, what's my point? That certain things that seem common and stimulate a common response in people of a generation, pass in and out of literature like falling leaves. And if we don't write about them, they're gone. Who will remember boilers and the fear they struck in those of us who had them? Just think of the many little every day things that are passing on without recognition as our octogenarians and nonagenarians leave this world. Who will remember what it was like to play jacks? Or ring-o-levio?

I encouraged every one of those ladies at the club to write. Write their stories. Even the most common story. Because when they're gone, the memories go with them. Keep a diary and each day remember something that happened to you when you were a kid. I don't want to forget the boilers or the way they made me feel. And I want my kids to know them too.

December 15, 2007

Just got home from a wonderful day in Weatherford, Texas. My friend Christi and I hit the road at 5:30 this morning to take Weatherford by storm. ROAD TRIP. This time for Endings and not a horse show. But Weatherford is horse country and it made me miss those days of driving up and down Texas highways to try and win belt buckles.

The day threatened to start off bad. It was raining and getting cold. I had a hard deadline: get to KYQX radio station for a live interview on Linda Bagwell's show; Books and Authors. Of course, hard deadlines always mean you're going to have a flat tire, and I did. I didn't even know it was flat, but Kevin, a very nice gentleman from Hamilton, pointed it out and offered to help fix it. We accepted. He filled all my tires with air and fixed the flat one. It was freezing cold (almost) and all he asked for in exchange was that we pray for his wife Brenda, who is going to have surgery for cancer on Monday. Why do I love Texas so much? Because of people like Kevin, and his wife is going to be in my thoughts on Monday for sure. I gave him a signed copy of Endings.

We arrived at KYQX 10 minutes early and listened while Linda interviewed Linda Ayers, author of a bunch of cool books for kids and an amateur yarn spinner! Like real yarn on a Sleeping Beauty spinning wheel. She takes a spinning wheel with her to book signings as a prop.

Then my turn. I was a little nervous at first, but Linda Bagwell was an engaging host and pretty soon I relaxed and settled into the interview. By the end I felt like I had made a new friend.

We were off to the Bookcase book store, where we were greeted by a line of people already waiting for me to get there to sign books! Let me tell you that was exciting. They were my old cow horse competitors. They had heard through the grapevine that I would be at the Bookcase. Several folks came in to buy books and Francis, the store owner, and her little rat terrier, Princess treated us to some Weatherford hospitality.

At the Downtown Cafe I ordered some fried chicken livers that would make a bull dog hug a hound. The service was excellent.

We had about an hour to spare so we went shopping...what else?

And last on our whirlwind Endings tour in Weatherford: The Lark Bookstore. Linda Ayers had been signing books there first so I got her to sign a couple for me and she got one of mine. Randy, the store owner, helped me set up. I sold a few books there too and met a bunch of neat people. Britt is an aspiring author who asked for advice on getting his work finished and getting published. He had some great book ideas. He's young and inspired and I know he'll get it figured out. Another author bought a copy of Endings. He has written a sci-fi novel called Senti. It sounded fascinating. I love sci-fi and the fourth book I have outlined is science fiction. Why not?

So by the time I finished eating, shopping and buying books in Weatherford, I'm pretty sure I didn't make any money. That's why I'm not quitting my day job. What I did do was visit a delightful town, met some charming people, shopped at some precious stores and ate some delicious food. I will return to Weatherford, that's for sure.

December 13, 2007

Dear friends & family,

Got a book signing this weekend in Weatherford, Texas! I'll be at the Bookcase from 11:30 to 1:00. But first, be sure to catch my radio interview on KYQX-FM radio at 10:30 AM. For those of you in the area, it's 89.5 on your dial. For the rest (and that's probably most) of you, listen to me live on their website, http://www.kyqx.com Click on Listen Live KYQX. Please check out the Events section on my web site if you need details regarding the signing.

Thanks again for all your Endings support! And you know what I mean.

Also, I'd like to announce to all of my friends and fans that use MySpace that you may now friend me on my new MySpace account located at: http://myspace.com/barbara_bergin

Barbara

December 10, 2007

I'm a devoted Longhorn fan, and I've got a serious problem. We're keeping this on the download, okay. First, a little background. My husband knows somebody associated with the LSU football program. Tonight I overheard him giving his brother some pre-national championship advice. I made myself small and listened in. I feel a little bad about evesdropping, but if there's some important bit of information that could help the Horns in the Holiday Bowl, I want to pass it on. And this was some perritty important stuff. I don't know why Paul didn't share it with Coach Brown and I'm starting to doubt his allegiances.

Frankly, I don't know why we all wouldn't want to try out the pre-national championship breakfast protocol for the 5 days prior to the game. I overheard something about attitude building. Here it is guys. Don't start spreading it around or he'll know the leak started here, under his own roof. Look the Horns aren't playing the Tigers so I don't feel that bad.

Breakfast Day 1: nails

Breakfast Day 2: glass

Breakfast Day 3: 1 cinder block (with any kind of sauce you want)

Breakfast Day 4: cat piss

Breakfast Day 5: hippopotamus dung

Listen, I draw the line at the hippo s___, and I don't know about the Tigers, but there's no question in my mind that the Horns can handle it. Particularly the hogs.

December 9, 2007

For some reason I'm just not in the mood to decorate for Christmas. And let me just say that, for the record, it is Christmas, not the politically correct "holidays." Anyway, just not in the mood. And it's not like I'm in a "bah humbug" mood or anything. I'm actually fired up about Christmas. I have 99% of my shopping completed, there are lots of nice parties scheduled and I'm looking forward to them, I'm taking some time off and UT is going to the holiday bowl in San Diego and we're going.

I think it's the heat. As I said before, there is something about cold weather that gets me jazzed about Christmas. Even though I know we're not going to have a white Christmas, cold weather gets us that much closer to it. Cool Thanksgiving weather sets the stage and this year it was cold. But then a few short days pass and now it's like spring or early summer here. It's windless, warm and balmy. And even though it was at least warm and balmy where baby Jesus was born, here it's supposed to be cold. There's something wrong with wearing cropped pants and a t-shirt to go buy the Christmas tree (and just for the record, it ain't no holiday tree).

I think it's supposed to get cool tomorrow. That's when I'm going to get my ornaments out of storage. Until then...the Christmas tree sits and waits.

December 8, 2007

Oh, well...that didn't last too long...my attempt at trying to establish a "habit" of writing on my blog every day by writing every day for a month, didn't work. Never give up. I'll keep trying. When I decided to try my own blog I started looking at other people's blogs. To be honest with you, most people don't maintain their daily entries. And no wonder...it's not easy to do. Last night work, a holiday party and a football banquet stood in between me and an entry that is probably going to be seen by four people.

Hey, I got a lot of mileage on the Blue Thunder story though. The four people I forced to read it (the same four I forced to buy a copy of Endings BTW...and I thank them BTW) did enjoy the story and I'm hoping they won't cease to be my blog followers after one deficiency. FYI, Blue is business as usual. Doesn't seem to have been adversely affected by his near-death experience two days ago.

Stay tuned. Something interesting is bound to happen today. I'm going shopping!

December 6, 2007

Something really strange happened in my house today. Have you ever owned a beta fish? They're really great pets. They don't smell. They don't eat much. They're kind of cute and they don't produce much excrement. What more do you want? Mine doesn't do tricks but some people tell me they can. This one, "Blue Thunder" does display some predictable behavior and that makes him a little interesting. For example, when I come into the kitchen in the morning he doesn't get too excited until I turn on a specific light. That's his sign it's time to eat and he starts swimming around in a very exaggerated fashion. Then I give him a couple of beta pellets which last him all day. I've had him for two years and quite frankly, I've grown attached to the little blue guy.

Okay, I forgot to feed him this morning. I was in a hurry. This evening I came home and he was lying listlessly on the bottom of his aquarium. I thought perhaps he was dead and even though I would have felt bad for essentially starving him to death I probably wouldn't have shed a tear. After all, he's just a fish that came to me in a plastic Tupperwear container with holes poked on top.

I tapped on the glass and Blue came alive. Trust me I was glad to see that. The ignoble toilet burial of a fish is nothing to look forward to. Their little limp bodies whirling around...never mind that. He started thrashing around trying to get to the top of the water for his food. There are a bunch of plants and he had to maneuver himself around them to get there and by the time he arrived at the top he was in a state, let me tell you. It was kind of amazing to observe.

Many of you may not realize that beta fish breathe oxygen through their mouth and what looks like little nostrils. They don't use gils. I sprinkled a couple of pellets on the top of the water per ususal protocol. Blue charged at them. And then suddenly he was still. Absolutely still. His little fins stopped moving. He was looking up at me and it was then I realized that in his vigor to get at that food, he had inadvertently sucked up a pellet into one of his little nostrils. He had a stunned look on his little fishy face. Like "what the hell happened here?" How could his little fishy brain comprehend this situation?

He remained paralyzed and began to sink. I thought surely a Siamese fighting fish wouldn't go out like this. Surely he could puff a bubble of air out of that nostril-like thing and rid himself of the pellet. It looked like what my nostril would look like if I stuck a cocoa puff in it. Well, if I had a cocoa puff stuck in my nostril I wouldn't just lay there and die. I would snort it out. Why couldn't he rub it against something? No, he was too stupid to do that. His little primitive brain was no match for the pellet. My beta would die.

Well, I went to work. I got out my little fish net and scooped him up. And then I reached into the water with my index finger and thumb and applied a quick pump to his thorax. And that pellet came shooting out of his nostril like a cannon ball, and off he swam.

So the moral of this story is: fishies need Heimlich maneuvers too.

December 5, 2007

I've been missing my horses lately and trying to make decisions about the future of my horseback riding hobby. It's a wonderful hobby. But it's an expensive one: emotionally as well as financially. Lately it's been a huge red hole in both categories.

I currently have three horses and will soon have four. One of the horses is the old quarter horse, Doc, who lives on our place in Smithville, Texas, where he pretty much has the run of the place and all the hay he can eat. He's retired from competition and hasn't seen a saddle in years. There's nothing wrong with him other than he's getting a little long in the tooth. Maybe he doesn't even have teeth at this point. Two of my horses are on the injured list. One is my cutting horse who recently ripped half of his hoof off. For those of you who might equate this with ripping half a toe nail off, it's not quite the same deal even though the hoof of a horse does have it's root in the same place as our toe nail. But this has resulted in lameness and possible long term disability. He is at rest for six to nine months and could founder (I'll discuss this another time, but suffice it to say it could kill him). The other horse is a filly; the daughter of two very nicely bred parents and a fine specimen herself. I consider her to be quite valuable and was getting ready to put her in training when she slipped and broke her pelvis. No problem after x-rays under anesthesia. The veterinarian's work is on a cash basis. (Not like the physician's work which is controlled by the insurance companies and our government.) Oh, wait, this is supposed to be about my horses. Sorry. So what's the treatment? Three months of stall rest and then gradual "legging up," or conditioning her to get back in shape so maybe she can be trained to compete in my favorite sports of reining and working cow horse.

It's not a happy thing. I have no horse to ride. What's a girl to do? I can ride my friend's horses but I want to ride my own. If you keep horses you will know the highest highs and the lowest lows. They are fragile creatures and taking care of them is like guarding china tea sets on the Santa Fe trail. The more expensive the porcelein the more likely they were not to make it. The cheap stuff made the trip fine. My old retiree out in Smithville...clay pottery. I haven't spent a dime on him in years.

However, they give us so much pleasure. Just to hang out in the barn with Rainy (the cutting horse with half a hoof) is 100% happiness. His little ears flicking forward and back, he anticipates a treat. His big brown eyes give no indication of fear, anxiety. He doesn't worry about himself. He is cared for and loved and he knows it. Like my favorite tea cup...the porcelein...not the pottery.

December 4, 2007

I drove back from Abilene this morning, dropped my mom off at her house and headed to the office to see patients in the afternoon. I had a lot of fun at the Hastings book store in Abilene. People were very friendly and there was a lot of interest in Endings. Some of you may be asking the question, "why Abilene?" And I would say, "Why not?" Abilene is the place where the majority of Endings takes place. I did a lot of horse showing there and my memories of Abilene are, for the most part happy ones. I had no experiences like the one I describe in the "Rider Writes" section of this website. That's not to say every single experience there was a win. Let's just say I learned a lot. Yes...learned a lot. That's what you have to say when you're totally blown away by the awesome power of humility. I learned a lot. You would prefer the prostrated position, the kicking and cussing, maybe even the awesome power of crying in front of someone. But gather the strength to come out and say "I learned a lot today." Now that's really something...

Okay, that was something very tangential, because I think I was talking about my wonderful experience in Abilene. My book signing. The people who came to buy a book were really happy to be there. They were all smiles. Many of them had read about the signing in the paper. Some were related to people I know here in Austin and it just seemed as if they were all old friends of mine! I thank them from the bottom of my heart, because here's the deal. They bought MY BOOK. That's what they did. And that's what it's all about. They bought my book. Now they're going to read it. If they like it, maybe they'll tell someone else about it. Someday, someone who has no connection to me or anyone I know might buy the book because those folks in Abilene bought my book and told someone else about it. It's incredible to think about.

So here's the next incredible thing. I was in Austin for about 15 minutes and I get this text message from my husband. Endings is number one on the BookPeople best seller list in Austin. It was in the Sunday paper. Number one! THEY'RE BUYING MY BOOKS!

And I thank them.

December 3, 2007

I'm just going to go ahead and enter today now because I'm driving to Abilene for a book signing later on and I won't be back home until tomorrow. Yes, I know I'm going to have to learn how to do this on a laptop from a remote sight. But not today.

Let's talk about feet. Women's feet specifically. Remember I flew out of bed a couple of minutes ago. Try not to do that. If your house is on fire or there's someone in your room who you think might be trying to kill you then haul ass and worry about your feet later.

In all other circumstances, if you're older than 40, try to make getting out of bed a ritual of tender loving care, because more than likely there's something wrong with the bottom of your feet. I don't know why but for some reason the bottom of women's feet are especially sensitive. The plantar fascia is a structure that starts at the base of our heels and stretches like a bow string across the bottom of the foot. When we sleep the bow string shortens because our foot is relaxed and pointed down. Trust me, no once sleeps with their feet pointed straight up. Guys, if you ever look over and see your wife with her feet pointing straight up, then either she's stretching her foot or she's dead. Give her a foot massage or start CPR, which ever seems most appropriate and which ever she will allow you to do. If she's alive and you tilt her head back and start blowing down her throat she'll probably bite your lips off and then you'll know she has plantar fascitis. You'll have made the diagnosis. You don't even need to go to medical school.
When you sleep with your foot pointed down and it stays pointed down all night, the plantar fascia contracts. When you get up, put your foot down and stand up, you force the plantar fascia to stretch out acutely. This sometimes will tear the fascia, sending a searing pain across the botttom of the foot. Keep doing it and that eventually leads to plantar fascitis. If I see a hundred patients with plantar fascitis in my office, 99 of them are women over the age of forty. Why? Who knows? There must be some hormonal factor or something.

So when I turned 40, the next morning when I got out of bed like I was 39, there was a searing pain across the bottom of my foot. Of course I knew exactly what it was and from that day forward, except for last night, I always stretch my feet before I get out of bed. Just stretch your toes and feet upward, like you were stretching your Achillies tendon. Of course I told my husband I would be doing that from now on so he wouldn't try to do CPR on me and you would be wise to let your husbands know that too.

And those of you gals who are already 40 and have not experienced the pain...well you must have young feet for your age...

December 2, 2007

OMG. I was asleep already. And let me say that being asleep by 11:30 is rare for me. But, I was asleep and my eyes popped open. I was staring at the clock and it said 11:36. Instead of thinking, "damn, why did I wake up at 11:36," I thought, "damn, I didn't write on my blog today and in order to make writing on my blog a habit, I've got to do it 30 days in a row." I threw the sheets and blankets back, flew out of bed (that hurt my feet...I think I'll talk about that on December 3) and came up here to enter before December 3. TIME.

December 1, 2007

The beet thing got me to thinking about how I want to tell the world to stop eating sugar. Not as in sugar beets, just sugar and any sugar-like substance. Honey, syrup, corn syrup...it's all the same. I cut it out completely, well 99.9% completely, about 6 months ago and the weight immediately started coming off. I exercise, but it really doesn't matter, because stopping the sugar made the biggest difference. You can exercise 24/7, but if you don't cut out the empty carbs, you aren't going to lose the pounds. After the sugar I stopped the bread and all processed flour products. That stuff is the same as eating sugar. We all know that by now I think. I don't really want to say how much weight I've lost, but it's a bunch. Well, you've got to replace that stuff with something else. Like beets. Raw veggies. After about a month (remember the 30 day deal) you stop craving sugar and bread. You just don't care about it any more. At first you'll think your life without sugar or bread won't be worth a damn. But after a while that changes and you'll be indifferent about them. When you eat the occasional obligatory piece of birthday cake, it won't send you into a feeding frenzy.
Sugar...bad. Beets...mmm...good.

November 30, 2007

I just realized my blog wasn't entered on this website. I'm doing something wrong on the computer and now I've got to figure it out. But I'm going to keep writing anyway, just to get in the habit. A friend told me it takes 30 days to break a habit. So if I don't bite my nails for 30 days, then I'll be done with that habit. Just gotta get that first day done where I don't bite my nails...

If it takes 30 days to break one, I figure it takes 30 days to create a habit (a non-narcotic one anyway) so I'm going to attempt to write every day for the next 30 days.

I'm trying to encourage my husband to eat beets. I love beets. He hates them. This is leading to a chasm in our relationship. So if he will just start eating beets and eat them every day for a month I think he'll be in the habit of eating beets. Beets...mmm...good.

November 29, 2007

Hope I'm doing this right. I'll get my mom to check it out. I know she'll give me an honest answer...not. As I've said many times before, you can't trust moms for the straight poop. They love you too much to tell the truth and their perspective is skewed way out of line. If you turn out good, they think everything you ever did was wonderful. And if you turn out bad, they think you're going to get better. They forget about how they used to compare you to the neighbor kids. Then you end up twirling your hair or biting your nails. Or worse, you end up being a whistler. So my mom remembers that I was always a good writer and I don't remember writing a thing I wasn't forced to write.

Endings -- an excerpt

ENDINGS:
A Novel

by Barbara Bergin
Published by Sunstone Press
Reprinted with Permission

Leslie was surprised at how easy it was to talk to Regan. They had a lot in common, jogging, books, politics. They both had interesting jobs. She was intrigued with his work and they talked about his career up to the point of doing the stadium. He dabbled in home building for a few years, but he preferred office and industrial type jobs. Eventually he got into a niche. He just bid on the stadium site and got it. It was definitely the highlight of his career so far.

"Well, we've spent the entire evening talking about me," he said when the check arrived. "You're going to have to go to dinner with me again so we can talk about you."

It was just as well from her standpoint that they didn't get too far into her career because so much was tied to her family. It would be hard to lie to him. She didn't want to do it, but knew sooner or later she would have to. She also remembered that sometimes clever people who know enough about dates, life, careers, can put two and two together and figure out that something's missing. This was the problem with getting to know people.

"Do you feel up to going over to the horse show?" Regan asked.

"Sure. I can't believe it's going on this late."

"Well, believe it, because they almost always do. Sometimes we're roping at two in the morning. Like I said earlier, I don't know what's going on tonight but whatever it is, it'll probably be interesting. Even though I don't do it, my favorites to watch are the reined cow horses. I know they're not going in the morning because the ropers are. Those poor cow horse fools always get stuck at the end of the day or first thing in the morning."

Regan paid the bill. Leslie felt funny about not paying her part but figured he probably wouldn't let her pay for her own dinner, so she didn't bother to offer. They left the restaurant and drove to the Taylor County Expo Center.

Sure enough, there was a lot of activity there, even at nine at night. And it was cold. That would be hard to tolerate, riding late at night when it's this cold. They walked around the barn first. It was warm in there and smelled like horses and hay. It brought back memories of her childhood. They walked up and down some of the aisles and he pointed out the different body types of the quarter horses, depending on the event for which they were bred. There were huge, gaunt, sixteen to seventeen hand horses. They didn't even look like quarter horses. These were bred for western pleasure and English riding events. There were horses that looked like thoroughbreds, used in the hunter jumper events. Then there were the very typical quarter horse conformations; large hind ends, shorter stature and big chests, bred for performance horse events like cutting, reining and cow horse.

Regan said that his "grandaddy" had a quarter horse that could run the quarter mile, work a cow and then compete in the halter division, which is basically a conformation competition. Today horses are bred specifically for halter. They're like body builders. They're not ridden and perform no particular function other than competing in a class that theoretically defines the appearance of the ideal quarter horse. He told Leslie that one time he was asked to put one of his roping horses in a halter class in order to fill the class so the winner could earn more points. His mare, whom he thought was perfectly formed for a quarter horse, looked like an old nag compared to those specimens.

They walked slowly up and down the aisles, stopping occasionally at a stall to look at a horse. Some were curious and came up to the side of the slatted pens for attention. She loved to pet their soft noses and feel them breathing on her fingers. It seemed as if they seduced her to put her hand in the stall, and then they would try to give it a nip. Some horses totally ignored them, while others put their ears back, defying Leslie to come near. They would swing their heads at them, aggressive but probably harmless. Regan spoke of the horses just like her dad had. They're marginally intelligent, so they can learn some tricks in order to eat. But Leslie could swear those big soft eyes could see straight into her soul. What is it about horses? Why had she stopped riding? Too many other things to do.

Regan found out that indeed, there was a cow horse event going on in an outdoor covered arena and suggested they drive down there to check it out. Several horses were tied up to the fence and the contestants were riding horses around in circles, trying to stay warmed up. They got out of the truck and walked up in the middle of the bleachers.

Just as they sat down a horse and rider entered the empty arena and stopped in the middle, facing the bleachers. The horse looked up as if suddenly surprised by his surroundings. But other than ears twitching back and forth, he stayed perfectly still. In a little bit the rider gently cued him to step off into a big circle to the right. She recalled the leads from her riding experience and noted that this was a right lead, the horse basically pulling with his right front leg. When he came around to the middle he did a flying lead change to the left and ran around the circle twice. Then he switched leads again in the middle. Leslie was amazed at the apparent ease of this maneuver for the horse and rider. She remembered having to slow down to a trot sometimes, and she always had to do a lot of holding with the reins as well as hard pushing with her legs to get her horse to change leads. Sometimes her horse would leap out of the lead change and take off running. These lead changes were barely detectable. Regan was talking her through most of this, but she remembered some from her childhood lessons.

The horse went around the corner but instead of riding in a circle, he straightened out and began to gather speed until he was galloping fast down the middle toward the other end of the arena. The sound of his hooves beating the ground could be heard above the wind and country western music on the loudspeakers. What happened next was totally unexpected. The rider, without changing positions or pulling on the reins, said, "whoa" to the horse, cueing him to stop. But because he was going so fast, he couldn't just stop. He had to slide to stop his forward progression. She was sure the rider had to hunker down to keep from being hurled over the front of the saddle. The horse's front legs kept pulling while the hind legs remained flexed and dragging through the sand. He left two tracks in the sand that she guessed were at least twenty to thirty feet long. This was amazing. She looked at Regan and he gave her an approving look and a thumbs up sign for the horse and rider.

The next maneuver even surpassed the stop because she could never recall seeing a horse doing this. He spun on his hind legs with his front legs pulling him around in a couple of twirls. He ended up facing the other way and ran down to the other end of the arena to do another stop, followed by another set of spins in the opposite direction. Then he went only halfway down the arena, stopped and backed up. End of event. Simply amazing.

"That part of this event is called reining, which is now part of the Olympics. It's the first western horse event ever to be in the Olympics."

Now that's impressive, she thought. When most people think of western events, they think of bronc riding, barrel racing, calf roping. Things you wouldn't see in the summer Olympics. But this clearly required a lot of skill on the part of the horse and rider. She equated it to dressage, but in a western fashion. She wondered what made some equine sports appealing to the Olympic committee and others not. The other western riding events required skill on the part of rider and horse as well. At least as much skill as the luge. But she couldn't envision cows in the Olympics.

Regan nudged her arm. "Now watch this." At this point the horse and rider turned toward the far end of the arena, where a small herd of cattle was penned up. The rider gave someone in the pens a nod, the gate was opened and out came a calf. The horse stepped up. The calf appeared somewhat agitated, as if wanting to get out of the arena. The rider then began to work the calf from one side of the pen to the other. The movements were somewhat like cutting but the rider moved the horse with his rein and legs to a greater extent.

She recalled cutting horses that appeared to work the cow on their own once the rider put the hand holding the reins on the horse's neck, signaling to the horse that it was time to do his thing. Of course the cutter uses his legs but not so it's obvious.

The rider openly used his legs to move the horse and correct its body position. After doing a little of this cutting-like action, which Regan called "boxing," the horse then brought the cow around to the long side of the arena and essentially chased it down the fence, heading it off before it got to the other end. The horse and cow were running at a high rate of speed and when the horse moved ahead as if it would be natural for the rider to just keep going in the original direction rather than hanging on for dear life and turning with the hose and cow.

Of course this impressive maneuver was followed by a huge cheer from the crowd. Rider, horse and cow then went the opposite direction and repeated the step to more cheers.

When the cow popped out into the middle of the arena, the horse went after it and circled it to the right and then to the left. Suddenly while circling to the left, the horse lost its footing. It looked to Leslie like he was going to go down, and everyone gasped. The rider lifted up on the reins, the horse looked like it scrambled a bit, then regained his footing to go on and finish the turn. Everyone cheered, Leslie included.

"I really want to do that," Regan said.

"Well, why don't you? You know how to ride cutting horses and rope."

"It's more difficult than that. The reining is really a challenge. You'd have to learn an entire new deal. Get a reining horse. They're expensive. I'd have to get hooked up with a trainer. It's a lot more complicated than it looks."

"It's exciting, no doubt." Leslie was cold and shivering.

"You're freezing. I'm sorry. Why don't we go back to the barn?"

"I'm a little cold, but I'd like to see a couple more of these horses, really. It's just my hands. I should have brought gloves." She held her hands together and rubbed them.

Regan reached over and took her hands in his. She stiffened up a little and started to pull them back, but he held on. His hands were warm. She remembered the slight roughness she felt when they shook hands on the night of the accident.

"That feel better?"
She nodded. One way or another it did.

Endings -- a synopsis

ENDINGS:
A Novel

by Barbara Bergin
Published by Sunstone Press
(ISBN 978-0865345195, 268 pages, hard cover, $ 28.95)
Available through this site or directly from the publisher:
http://www.sunstonepress.com

Following a tragic accident two years ago, Leslie Cohen, M.D. is driven to live the nomadic life of a locum tenens physician, moving from one temporary job to another, covering the practices of orthopedic surgeons while they take time off. Deeply affected because of her loss, this enables her to avoid forming relationships, both friendly and professional. And she is determined.

But all of this changes when she agrees to a one month commitment in Abilene, Texas, temporarily taking over the practice of Hal Hawley while he goes on leave to have surgery for cancer. Soon after arriving she realizes her mistake in taking on an extended post as she develops a strong bond with Doc Hawley and his wife.

Even more significant is the friend she finds in Regan Wakeman, a local rancher and contractor. There is conflict in her soul as Leslie tries to protect the memories she wants to keep alive no matter how painful they might be. As the relationship with him progresses, there is a gradual revelation of the tragedy that has remained her secret until now.

Copyright ©2007 by Barbara Bergin. All Rights Reserved. Please

Endings --an introduction

Endings is an unusual crossover novel by Texas surgeon Barbara Bergin. The book mixes Bergin's own worlds of medicine, horses, and motherhood with a strong romantic core.

It the story of Leslie Cohen, a 40-year-old doctor who perpetually takes temporary locum tenens assignments to stay on the move. While filling in for an orthopedist in Abilene, Texas, she meets a man who might make her quit running.

Endings is laced with loving descriptions of ranch and horse life, packed with fascinating accounts of medical procedures, and loaded with mystery surrounding Leslie's hidden history.

The excerpt below is entitled "Reining" and is a detailed scene at a horse event that Leslie and her date attend. It shows off the author's background as a nationally ranked horsewoman.

More information about the book, Endings, and the author, Barbara Bergin, follows the excerpt. Enjoy!