Today doesn't feel very much like Christmas Eve. It's the first time in my motherhood that both of my children aren't here for Christmas and it has made me lose track of the time. But this entry isn't about that in particular, other than it was a parenting thing I was just thinking of and I wanted to make sure you had a chance to try this wonderful little trick yourselves. If you miss this tonight, try it next year, unless of course you have older children, in which case you are welcome to try it but you'll look and feel very stupid.
I don't remember who told me to try this, but if you're listening, I give you credit always. This was not my idea.
Getting kids to go to bed on Christmas Eve is always a challenge. No amount of cajolling is effective. Getting in a Christmas Eve pissing contest with your kids over going to bed will leave you with a bad memory forever and giving them Benadryl is out of the question, although tempting. So what does a good mother do?
Get to work. You will need the following items: dark clothing for one; red cellophane taped over the end of a flashlight (it sometimes takes a couple of thicknesses to make the light shine red); a red lazer light would work too, but we didn't have those when we did this; some jingle bells.
First, set the stage for Santa's imminent arrival. "Santa might get here any moment and you need to go to bed or he won't leave any presents." You know, you've done it before. It just usually doesn't work and that's why you're always up at 3:00AM putting plastic parts together or getting bicyles from neighbor's garages.
Next, one of you gets dressed in the black outfit. Here in Texas, dark jeans and a t-shirt will work. I'm sorry, but you folks in Minnesota, though I envy you your snow, will have to get into something heavy and cumbersome. The other parent will start saying you think you hear something...could it be Santa...etc., etc. Look, just go all out, get them in a frenzy. The objective is to get them to a window where they can look out to a dark yard, patio, whatever. Just get them there. You can do it. You'll be a state of excitement yourself! Trust me.
The one with the black outfit, grab that light and those jingle bells and get yourself out in that yard. Timing is everything. Then bound across it. Remember, reindeer bound. They don't hop like little nasty rodents. Now you can walk, but let me tell you from personal experience that walking and trying to make the light bounce up and down while jingling your bells is akin to patting your head and rubbing your belly. The first time you do it, you'll feel like an idiot because out in the dark you can see perfectly well, so you'll think your kids are looking out the window saying "why is mommy hopping across the yard with a red flashlight and some jingle bells?" But I promise they cannot see you. With the house lights on inside and the distortion through the window, what they see is a red light (Rudolph's nose) bounding across the backyard. And what do they do? They haul ass to their bedrooms and go directly to bed. That's what.
And what do you do? Wrap presents. Watch TV. Eat more food. Whatever. You start to look forward to this each year. While you're making the rounds at Christmas Eve parties your spouse is pestering you. "You didn't forget the red cellophane, did you?" Don't worry if you start feeling guilty. Not just because it's a shameless, slam-dunk way to successfully get your kids to bed before Santa comes, but because you start wanting to do it the minute the sun goes down. Because you wish there was something like this for every day of the week. It's like the Christmas Eve version of children's Ambien. You'll have the presents under the tree by 9:00PM and be in bed by 9:30, with visions of sugar plums dancing in your head.
Now, just a few additional hints for success.
1. Don't leave your yard lights on. Wrecks everything. You will feel stupid. Your neighbors will see you and even your spouse will be disillusioned by seeing something about you they've never seen before and it will not look pretty.
2. Do not trespass. You will be arrested and it's so hard to explain away.
3. Clear your footpath. Nothing ruins a nice Christmas more than a broken femur.
4. Cue older children because they will be inclined to spoil the fun. "That's mommy, with a flashlight and jingle bells." Threaten them with bodily harm if needed. You want this to last, at least until they go off to college. Longer if possible.
And by the way, you and your kids will be treated to a wonderful Christmas tradition that will leave your cheeks cramping from laughing so hard, and you will miss on that first Christmas when your last child tells you they know the truth...about Rudolph.
Have fun and have a wonderful Christmas.
